The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap Youll Ever Read, Part 2: I Am Shooketh
Now that the Rose Ceremony we all knew the ending to is over, it’s time to finally get into the meat of this finale. Will she pick Bryan, or will she pick Peter? You think this will be like, your normal run-of-the-mill finale with a no-proposal fake-out wherein the person who wasn’t going to propose has a change of heart, but shit gets off the rails pretty fast.
Date With Bryan
A hot air balloon. Of course.
Bryan: I think it would be a mistake if you didnt choose me.
Me: Wow I think the opposite but I guess thats what makes this country of ours so great.
Okay the Spanish language book is actually kind of cute, but kissing Bryan literally looks like the seventh circle of hell to me. IDK if this assessment makes sense, but he just uses too much mouth. Wayyyy too much mouth.
At this point, Im still team Peter, but all of that is about to change
Date With Peter
Peter and Rachel have this green camo thing going on. Ive never seen a couple that matches better in my life. Their faces match. Their clothes match. Their stubborn unwillingness to compromise on matters of the heart match. It all matches.
Rachel has ditched the vampire look and is better for it. Maybe shes feeling less murderous?
The two are literally at a church with a priest. Hmmmseems like producers are trying to tell Peter something, butI cant put my finger on what.
First clue that Peter is not on the up-and-up: He uses the phrase feelings of love too much and sounds like a fucking alien.
Spanish Priest They Paid To Tell Peter To Marry Rachel: It is very important to remember not to give importance to things that are not important.
Bach Producers: WE DID NOT PAY YOU FOR RIDDLES, PADRE!
Okay, so, the life that Peter describes living with Rachel sounds like an elderly gay couples dream. Wine night with painting? How old is Peter, actually? Y’all are in your thirties, youre not fucking dead.
Peter: I need to figure out if I love you.
Rachel: Um yeah that would be great.
This is the moment where we all come to a stunning realization: Peter is fuckboy-ing Rachel. Rachel, our beautiful, sassy, attorney Rachel, is being fuckboy-ed on her own season of .
Rachel: One minute he tells me he wants to plan this future with me, and the next he says he cant commit. I dont know whats going on.
Me: Oh no
Peter and Rachel are matching for a second day in a row. How is this happening? I guess they both look good in green?
Peter: Im still not ready.
Rachel: Then by the power vested in me as the First Black Bachelorette, I hereby banish you to fuckboy hell, to live out your days in
a CrossFit gym Hades.
Me: Waitdid they just break up? Before the Rose Ceremony? What is happening? Does this mean Bryan wins? DOES BRYAN FUCKING WIN!?!?
Accurate representation of me realizing that Rachel and Peter legit just broke up before the final Rose Ceremony and that means Bryan is going to win:
After The Final Rose With Peter
You know, after watching Lee literally turn inside-out with awkwardness while being called a racist in the Men Tell All, I thought there is simply no way could make me any more uncomfortable. Then Peter and Rachel happened.
Rachel is so obviously furious that Peter didnt just propose so she doesnt have to be with Bryan. Her anger literally made my Chromecast overheat.
“I’m not angry.” Rachel, literally seething with rage.
Rachel finally gets to the point: If you feel this way about marriage, you should not be on fucking . Shes not wrong.
Im living my best life. Rachel, trying to choke down vomit while thinking about her future answering 100 phone calls a day from Bryan’s mom and paying for cheek maintenance with her lawyers salary.
THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
THIS WHOLE SEASON HAS BEEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE, WHY???
Peter: I feel attacked.
If we, the audience, got anything out of this interaction, its that the new power move is leaving your eyelashes behind at a fuckboys apartment as a reminder of who the damn boss is around here.
I walked past your eyelashes on the floor for two days. Peter, a 31 year-old man who leaves nasty eye trash on the floor of his bedroom for days on end.
At this point Im just like, this could go anywhere. Is Kevin Durant gonna show up and steal her at the last minute? I would not be surprised.
The Final Rose Ceremony
Theyre trying to make it seem like Rachel might not accept Bryans proposal, but we all know the truth: Rachel wants a ring so bad shell marry Alvin the chipmunk to get one. Its her fatal flaw.
All of this craziness reminds me that Rachel was, at one point, in love with Nick Viall. Homegirl does not have the best judgment. You know, come to think of it, Rachel never seemed as into any of these dudes as she was into Nick, and Nick never really seemed to like Vanessa as much as he liked Rachel. WAS NICK VIALL THE ONE ALL ALONG?!? Once again:
Bryan has no clue any of this was gonna happen. He literally has no idea that he already won, or that he didnt really win because everyone knows who Rachel really wanted.
Of course, Rachel accepts Bryans proposal.
Rachel: Will you accept this rose?
Well I hope youre happy Rachel, you got your ring.
Rachel: Im your what?
Rachel: Good. Now never speak to me again.
I cant help but think: How is Bryan going to feel now that hes seen the episode?!? She literally did everything but grab Peter by the face and scream, I DONT WANT TO MARRY BRYAN until he agreed to propose.
SIGN UP: Our emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
After The Final Rose With Bryan
If Bryan has any inclination that his new fiance is literally still furious over losing Peter, he gives no indication.
I feel like that second proposal was his way of being like, “Wait, you still want to marry me after seeing Peter again, right?”
Rachel: Oh sweet Jesus don’t make me have to do this shit again.
Were not putting any pressure on it. Were just trying to build a normal relationship. code for, We will quietly breakup in about a year once weve secured all of our Fit Tea endorsements.
Lol Rachel had better get used to talking to Bryans mom on the phone because I have a feeling shes one of those call every day with suggestions about how to be a better housewife type of ladies.
Wow, you know, I honestly think the most worthwhile thing out of that entire three hours was getting to see sweet Dean again in the preview. Honestly, if I wanted to feel this level of shock and deep national shame, I’d rewatch the poll returns from the 2016 election. If Dean wasn’t going to be in , I’d boycott, but he is soooo….
See you guys in Paradise!