Here are all the deportable crimes Trump’s kids have committed
President Trump has decided to end protections for DACA recipients — but he’s after the wrong people.
On Tuesday, Trump announced that he’d be giving Congress six months to devise legislation to protect Dreamers, as the people protected by DACA are known, or else. Close to 800,000 undocumented people, 91% of whom work and 0% of whom have a criminal record, would be eligible for deportation if Congress does not act.
Even scarier, because of the nature of the order, many of these young adults could be deported before the end of the six month period.
This, while Trump’s strangely oily adult children continue to enjoy total freedom in a country they so brazenly exploit.
In another world, a good world that is not ours, Trump’s children would get deported to the Upside-Down for committing one of their many exceedingly execrable offenses.
We deport kids for getting college scholarships, showing up to work, or otherwise contributing to society. Will the only punishment for Trump Jr.’s attempt at collusion be some Twitter dork’s epic tweet?
Here are our grounds for the deportation of Trump’s large adult sons and his daughter Ivanka.
1. Attempted to collude with a hostile foreign power and screwed it up so, so badly
Trump Jr. on working with the Russians to help sabotage Clinton: “I love it.”
2. Reportedly misled donors and redirected charitable funds to benefit their father
Sorry for the confusion. By “kids with cancer,” Eric Trump actually meant “Donald J. Trump.”
3. Exploited their role in government to benefit their crappy personal brand
It’s funny how Ivanka Trump acquired all those Chinese trademarks out of nowhere.
4. Drained the economy
Why can’t they just steal from the comfort of their home?
5. Repeatedly demonstrated egregious moral turpitude
Trump vacation photos posing with animals they killed for fun, including an elephant. Don Trump Jr. poses w/ tail he cut off in one picture. pic.twitter.com/tKPuGUakLX
— Eliza Windholz (@Azile00) August 27, 2017
In America, legal immigrants who commit crimes of moral turpitude are subject to deportation.
6. Marketed products that didn’t meet basic consumer product safety standards
Ivanka Trump’s scarves were recalled because they were highly flammable and criminally bland.
7. Committed unpardonable crimes against fashion.
“I DON’T CARE that Eddie Bauer didn’t want me to model for their Fall Catalogue.” pic.twitter.com/oU2mllYrXU
— Heather Dockray (@Wear_a_helmet) 18. marts 2017
8. Reportedly and repeatedly appeared intoxicated in public, wet the bed
Deport Diaper Don.
9. Posted an illegal ballot selfie
10. Chronically abused hair styling products
This is not Wall Street during the ’80s, Eric.
11. Overstayed their welcome
If they can’t learn to act like decent human beings, we should send them to back to their home planet.